Contrary to popular perception, your ego is beneficial to your success—both personally and professionally. It’s part of your neuro-physiological system and helps protect your self image and self-worth. Your ego helps create your self-concept, but sometimes it can get in the way. When that happens, the concern you have for yourself overrides what may be happening in reality.
Whenever you feel threatened, blamed, shamed or embarrassed, your ego kicks in and keeps you from clearly understanding reality. In other words, the ego makes up its own reality in response to the “ego arrows” people shoot your way. This false “ego reality” closes you off to the true situation and causes you to go into a defensive mode, ultimately hindering your success.
Whenever the ego is in charge, it’s only telling half the story—the story you currently view—and not the whole story taking into account other people’s perceptions and the facts behind the matter. Your ego is trying to protect you, but at the same time it’s blocking off reality. You become figuratively crippled because you’re unable to understand how you fit into the world.
The ego is there to help you and guide you. The key is not letting ego stand in the way of success when you experience fear, threat or embarrassment. Such feelings may be appropriate, but they’re not the whole story. Instead, try to become open to the whole story and react according to true reality, not your ego’s reality.
To keep your ego in check, ask yourself the following three questions when you first notice you feel fear, threat or embarrassment:
1. Is this the way it really is, or is this my response? Take a time-out to assess whether what you perceive is true, or if you’re reacting to someone who pushed one of your buttons. Failure to do so could interfere with your career and relationships. If an employer sees that you don’t have a hold on your ego and let others push your buttons, he or she will assume you’re not mature enough to hold a position that’s going to create more fear, threat, and embarrassment. Therefore, check in with yourself often.
2. Why does this affect me so much? Be as objective as possible to uncover why the current situation is triggering an ego response. If possible, take some quiet time to work things through. Think of the brain as having a low road and a high road. It takes 15 microseconds to access the low road and 100 microseconds to access the high road—the difference is long enough for you to catch yourself before you respond. If your reaction is completely unconscious, you go straight to the low road which triggers defensiveness. Catching yourself and taking your response to the high road triggers emotional intelligence, giving you a chance to overcome the situation in a productive manner. So, check outside of yourself.
3. If I feel this way, do others feel this way? Check around to make sure you’re not the only one caught up in the situation. Simply ask someone else involved, “This is very embarrassing (or threatening or scary) to me. Are you feeling the same way?” If others are feeling the same as you, then talk about the situation so no one overreacts. The ego’s role is to keep you safe and motivated to do certain things, but when you’re working with others, it’s not okay to pretend that your current way of feeling is the only emotional state possible. That’s why you need to check around, and if appropriate, change the reference from self to others. Confirm what’s going on inside of you by looking outside.
Becoming more aware of what triggers you to help keep ego in check takes time. It may be beneficial to work with a coach trained in adult development. However, you can make great strides on your own by asking yourself the three suggested questions whenever you feel fear, threat or embarrassment coming on. The more you can control your ego—rather than it control you—the more successful you’ll be in all areas of your life.
By Mike Jay
About the Author:
Mike Jay is a professional business coach, consultant and entrepreneur who has logging more than 10,000 hours of coaching sessions, serving business leaders in more than 27 countries. He is the author of “COACH2 THE BOTTOM LINE: “An Executive Guide to Coaching Performance, Change and
Transformation in Organizations.” For more information, visit www.mikejay
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